It all started years ago, in a cold, cold town.
There wasn’t much love in this town you see, at least nothing publicly displayed. To a stranger’s eyes, it was just people coming and going, living and dying.
Maybe it was something to do with the weather… When you live in such a cold, cold town, you’re bound to be a bit frozen yourself.
At least this is what one would tend to think when visiting for the first time.
As for me? I know the truth.
I have been many times to this small town and I saw it with my own eyes, that one time in the year, where everything goes bright. Pink, blue, yellow and green.
Just another day of winter they say, but everyone knows better. They’ve been waiting for it.
It has to be the right sky, the right wind and above all, the right moon.
On this moon, on this day, everyone who’s ever lived there knows it will happen.
It started years ago when feelings were still showing up as little lights, small burning fireworks, not just in this town but everywhere else, no one remembers anymore, people forget easily about the beautiful things.
But you see for the people living in such cold, cold weather, emotions are a curse and a feeling can only be ignited a few times before it turns sour and dies. Just like a fire can never burn more than a few minutes, here, passions never last if one tries to live them every day in this freezing and never ending winter. And if you tried to claw it back once your light had died, you’d end up becoming your own spark and imploding.
Oh what a magnificent death… pink, blue, yellow and green…but a tragic one nonetheless, and from what I’ve heard, it kept on happening.
No one really knew who found the solution nor how was it made possible to conceal so much, but as our lights slowly died all around the world, this cold, cold town kept them by sacrificing the other days of the year to a dull life.
The rule is so old, no one discusses it anymore. Too many had lost themselves before it was decided. So it was set. No display of emotions until the night of the light. When the sky is clear, when the wind is biting and when the moon is pure. Ready to receive, the burning fires, the burning lights.
They know the lights are going to blind them into oblivion from all the passion, from the love, from the anger, from the tears they’ve kept inside all year round.
Its waiting to be released and everyone’s quietly wishing for time to tick quicker.
Oh, they know, how brief and beautiful their feelings can be when turned into a winter light.
Yes, they know, at the end of their journey, they’ll be dying in the light of their preciously kept feelings.
But there’s one girl, see, this girl, she’s reached the age where every child in this town must learn to conceal and hold back their feelings, turning them into a bright light they’ll only be showing once a year, for the rest of their lives. In this cold cold town, children are so pure and their emotions are so simple, it doesn’t matter what they’ll be showing, they won’t be wasting anything. A childish love can never be destructive- so they say. But as they turn 15, passion is in everything they touch and they must learn how to stop it.
For the girl, this year, this day, today, will be the first time for her and she’s preparing.
- - - - - - - - - - -
But something has changed from yesterday. See the light in her eyes, see the crease in her smile, see the glow of her skin, what happened to that child ? Is that fire I see in her candid eyes ? is that turmoil I hear through every inch of her soul ? Is this love I see coming from her beating heart ?
*wake up, wake up*
Oh child, was it yesterday you saw his eyes for the first time ? And just like that.. Oh child, your fate becomes blurry as you print on your skin the memory of the stranger you’ve just met, the lover you haven’t had yet. Oh child what will become of you ?
- - - - - - - - - -
The time has come now, hurry up child, join in with the crowd, be ready to scream your feelings, to set your light as the sun goes down.
Oh how beautiful all of this is! Pink, blue, yellow and green, love, sadness, happiness.. jealousy. It all becomes alive. And the girl is here as well, showing her light alongside the others. She’ll have until the moon stops shining the way it does at this very instant and then.. then another year to wait.
She’s bright in the night, brighter than most, her parents will be proud.
She thinks about the boy, how his young heart will fit with hers. They are to meet tomorrow, he said. By the iced fountain. Tomorrow, he told her, he would write what he can’t express….
It’s now time to stop child, take back your light, put it safely in your soul, keep it warm and wait for next year.
But she’s not stopping.
Most of it is gone but still, every move, every step, every word a sparkle is ignited, pink, blue, yellow and green. just like in the ancient times. Her winter light has survived. And people whisper, why can’t she make it stop ?
- - - - - - - - - - -
‘You must learn’ repeats her mother, ‘you must go’ states her father, and every tick of the time sees a new sparkle coming from her entire body, she’s feeling everything, and she can’t help it. Inside her, a book has been opened. It opened as she saw the boy laugh. It heated her from the inside. She’s not a cold cold heart living in a cold cold town anymore. But must she leave ? She swears she can learn. Visit her grandmother further north, where it’s colder. There she won’t have any choice, she’ll have to hide it all inside or see her lights die.
But as she speaks, her mind roars. The promises are stained, she wants it all now. Every feeling she can find. She’ll have them all.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
‘Come with me child, I’ll teach you the way, what you have is a gift but in our world, it can also be a curse’ her grandmother knows. She was cursed once, a long time ago, but she survived and kept her lights.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Every day has become a blurry spark, blinding her every step of the way. She’s on a train now, heading north. Her grandmother will help, she hopes. It’s a boring train, it’s a restless train. With no answers to give to the lost children who found themselves traveling on its board.
She tries to forget the worry, the excitement, the fear but every landscape, every rock, every tree is a cry for help, is a new spark in her stomach.
Oh child, it is impossible to decide if you’re blessed or cursed. As you become warmer, the heat is in your heart, the heat is in your veins. It’s painted in your eyes, a small sparkle in two blue oceans that used to be frozen.
As she’s heading further north, hoping she’ll find a remedy, a way back to the cold cold town and normality, the girl closes her eyes and rests her burning head on the cold, cold window.
Time passes, and she feels. Every day a little bit more. Where to stop, how to stop ? A summer night falls and the sparks start again. They blind her and the anger burns her throat. ‘I wish I had my eyes to love and my heart to cry’
Suddenly, a hand is on her shoulder, is it him ? She can feel the warmth of something she knows and yet something she feels so far from. It has to be him.
No, no one is here. It sinks in and she fumbles down the wall, child, welcome to your realm.
The sparks have disappeared now.. and maybe she’s bound not to have a light anymore. But something is still there inside of her, as her grandmother forces her into boredom.
The eldest of the family tells her stories of people who died cursed, people who she must not become.
There’s another story she likes to hear, it’s about her own ancestor’s redemption from a love that almost caused her loss. ‘There was a boy, he took me away with his eyes the first day I met him. He wanted us to leave this cold cold town and feel, feel the love, our love, everyday of our lives. Only I was too scared of losing him through time, of losing the sparks and never be able to love him again. I left just like you did. And never saw the boy again.’
But as her grandmother relives this ancient story she tried to forget, only regret rises from her words and the girl wonders. Is this the right choice ?
She feels something whispering restlessly inside of her *wake up, wake up*
What used to be a river is now a small and dull puddle, but it’s there nonetheless.
The girl wonders.. Is that hope I see in your eyes, child ?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Winter approaches fast.
And because it is done this way, she must return to her cold cold town and try again to fit in. For her safety, for this is how they survive.
She tries not to think about the heart that started it all, but she finds a letter waiting for her when she returns.
One day as she walked past the iced fountain, it was there. She opens it in the darkness of her room, so not to feel too much, so not to be seen with her lights sparkling brighter every word she reads.
The fingers hurry along the words, along the pages, along the world, along the cages where her feelings have remained for the past months.
Along the memories.
And she’s gone again …
He says he still believes she’s there somewhere waiting for him. He’s bound to come back, every year before the day of the lights, he will.
And slowly, hope surrounds her, slowly she feels brighter in this dark room. Slowly she begins to understand she has the choice in this story but it might not be the one everyone deems right.
Behind her, a small voice starts whispering, it’s her grandmother telling her about her lost love again.
She can hear the truth behind her words. ‘Regret is everywhere I look now’.
Maybe. Maybe this story wasn’t right from the beginning, maybe she’s right.
Maybe the girl is right.
Run child, run to the iced fountain and find him.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
He’s there. She knows. She feels his smile melting with hers.
He disappeared so suddenly from her life that everything is violent in this resurrection.
She can feel her wounds, the scars on her soul begin to heal.
And she knows.
‘No more will I bleed’
The sparks start again, and they’ll never stop. The light is blinding but she knows where she’s going. As she approaches him her body radiates, she knows it’s the last thing she’ll ever be, she’ll ever feel. And she’s not scared.